10 Iconic American Brands Trumped out of US

Monica Cheru- Managing Editor

Ah, tariffs—Trump's greatest triumph as he teaches China its place in the world order where the US is the only nation with an undisputed right to greatness.

Fresh off his self-proclaimed “Tariff R Us Tour 2025” (patent pending), Donald Trump just slashed his own levies to a humble 10%, claiming the entire globe is groveling at his golden desk for mercy.

Sure, if by “entire globe” he means Japan, Indonesia, and South Africa—the geopolitical equivalent of that one friend who still texts “K” instead of starting drama.

And let’s not forget Emmerson Mnangagwa, who embarrassed all of us Zimbabweans and Africans by offering to scrap all tariffs in exchange for… sanctions relief? Trump has not even acknowledged the brown-nosing.

Meanwhile, the EU, with all the subtlety of a baguette-wielding revolutionary, is ready to clap back with tariffs of their own whose April 15th start gun has been delayed with the same 90 day reprieve bluster that Trump used to cover his retreat. They are smarting over the Greenland colony madness and the Ukraine betrayal and in no mood to beg Dear Donny for any scraps.

But the real pièce de résistance? China, staring down Trump’s “art of the deal” like it’s a toddler negotiating bedtime, has vowed to fight “to the bitter end.”

Frankly, I am hoping for Beijing to shock Trump one morning soon with a 200% tariff announcement while he waits for them to blink first. It won’t happen, of course, because China has repeatedly said it just wants peace while it focuses on its own development path, but we can laugh out loud at the idea of Trump's head top rug falling off in apoplexy.

Now let’s spare a thought for the poor Americans, the peeps who committed Trumpcide in November 2024. They have to deal with the possibility that the Trump administration manipulated the stock market to make millions in easy profit over the “Freedom Day” reversals which resulted in a high recovery for stocks, which soon plummeted again as the reality of the US-China trade war was emphasised a few hours later.

The majority of Americans will have to deal with living without iconic American brands that are about to become luxury items in the land of the “free” (shipping not included). Here is my Top 10 pick:

1. Levi’s great safari

Levi’s, the OG of denim, has been stitching its iconic 501s in Lesotho (yes, that tiny African kingdom) for years. But thanks to a 50% tariff slapped on Lesotho imports (blame the U.S. suspending AGOA trade perks), those jeans now cost more than a hipster’s avocado toast. Levi’s is now eyeing African markets for new tax-free BFFs.

So, the” American classic” jeans might soon be cheaper in Nairobi than in Portland. Asante sana, Trump!

2. Pro Max irony

Your iPhone’s fancy camera and brain chip are made in China, which means tariffs turn every new model into a “Pro Max Ultra $teal Your Savings” edition. Meanwhile, Apple’s making iPhones in India for Indians, where they’re cheaper than a Bollywood movie ticket. Bakri ke dimag wali gadha! Yes only a donkey with a goat's brain can imagine that tariffs are the answer to everything.

3. Tesla’s electric Boogaloo

Elon’s Cybertrucks need batteries, which the U.S. imports. Tariffs on lithium? Check. Meanwhile, Teslas made in Shanghai cost less in China than in Texas. Yes, a Texan will pay more for a car built by their geopolitical frenemy. Howdy, irony! No wonder why Musk is now trying to pretend he is not the guy who has been talking about annexing Europe, in the (futile) hope that he can defeat BYD on those shores.

4. Harley-Davidson hogged out

Harley got hit with EU tariffs so brutal, they started building bikes in Thailand (land of pad thai, not pavement-shredding). Now, a Milwaukee-made Harley costs more than a midlife crisis therapist. The only “hog” Hells’ Angels will afford now is the bacon on their brunch plate.

5. Just Do Nike, if you’re rich

Nike makes 90% of its shoes in Asia, but tariffs mean Air Jordans will cost “Air Jordan IPO” prices. Meanwhile, Vietnamese shoppers be flexing in Nikes cheaper than a street-food banh mi. The only “swoosh” to be heard is the sound of US bank accounts nosediving.

6. Excuse Jack Daniel’s French

The EU slapped a 25% tariff on Jack, turning it into a “luxury import” in Europe. But instead of lowering U.S. prices, Jack’s like, “Let’s focus on Parisian parties!” So, a bottle of Jack might soon cost more in Nashville than in Nice. Cue for that one French word you know starting with M and ending with e!

7. New (Im)Balance

New Balance boasts about American factories, but their imported rubber and glue got tariff-punched. Result? Shoes so pricey, Americans will be starting GoFundMe campaigns to cover their feet. Want to come to Africa and buy cheap Chinese shoes?

8. General Motors is all gas

GM builds Silverados in Mexico and Buicks in China. Meanwhile, Joe in Detroit pays extra for a truck that’s basically a geopolitical piñata.

9. Gibson Guitars strum own dirge

Gibson uses imported rosewood (tariffed!) and U.S. artisans who charge more than a therapy session. Meanwhile, Yamaha’s cranking out guitars in Indonesia for couch change.

10. Coca-Cola and The Fizz-ics of Economic Collapse

Tariffs on aluminum (cans) and sugar (syrup) mean Coke’s classic red label might soon be a “luxury red.” Meanwhile, in Mexico, it’s still cheaper than agua. Maybe it’s a good thing because the US can finally deal with its obesity issues, right?

MAGA unpacked!

There you have it, folks. The real meaning of MAGA: Make American Goods Astronomical. Because nothing says “patriotism” like pricing your fellow citizens out of their own products and gifting them to the rest of the world. As former US state secretary Janet Yellen aptly put it, Trump has delivered “the worst self-inflicted wound that I have ever seen an administration impose on a well-functioning economy.”