ZimNow Reporter
The succession battle is on, just a couple of days after U.S. Senator JD Vance blessed the Vatican with his Ohio-flavored holiness and Pope Francis tragically succumbed to… divine overexposure?
While medics cite “natural causes,” conspiracy theorists are calling it “Sudden MAGA Syndrome.”
As the College of Cardinals prepares to pick the next pope, conservative Catholic X is in full rapture mode, anointing Cardinal Robert Sarah as their spiritual Thanos.
The serious issue has become a joke because “Sarah” sounds more like the girl who beat everyone in third-grade spelling bees than the leader of a 2,000-year-old patriarchy.
Only this time, it’s an African He/His, packing incense and brimstone.
Dominik Tarczyński, Polish MEP and full-time far-right rant specialist, took to X to demand Sarah’s coronation, tweeting something between a homily and a Proud Boys group chat.
“Cardinal Sarah. Our Hope!” he wrote, eyes probably closed and music swelling.
Critics immediately called out the irony of Europe’s hard-right suddenly loving African leadership — so long as it’s delivering Latin Mass and denouncing gays in five languages.
Cardinal Sarah, who once suggested the West had overdosed on “spiritual liberalism” and oat milk, is beloved in trad circles. He also doesn’t smile much, which, in Vatican terms, means he’s qualified.
Reactions have been swift:
• American Conservatives: “A Black pope who agrees with me? Finally, representation that matters.”
• Liberal Catholics: “Wait… Sarah?? That’s not even a pope name. Where’s Pope Beyoncé?”
• Italy: Still processing that time they had a German pope who looked like Emperor Palpatine.
Sources say several cardinals are praying and fasting — which is Vaticanese for “campaigning without looking like you’re campaigning.”
Will the next pope be Sarah of Guinea? Or will this all blow over like the last time trad-Catholic X tried to crown Mel Gibson?
One thing’s clear: if “Pope Sarah I” happens, the memes will write themselves.
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