A new Minions movies is out. Watching recent social media clips and hearing some comments caught on camera immediately bring to mind the little yellow thingies who gurgled, burped and rolled their way to a billion-dollar box office a few years ago in their first standalone movie.
Some background will suffice here
The Minions are little creatures whose sole purpose is to find the evillest boss they can then become, well, minions to this being or thing. They will do anything to secure themselves a powerful boss who will patronize them and order them around. When they do not have a boss, they are listless, and in danger of perishing from boredom.
The Minions first showed up in the Despicable Me movie in 2010. In it, they are in the service of super-villain Gru and they are shown to be capable of all things, including but not limited to: fixing the Wi-Fi, building advanced machinery, executing elaborate heists and housekeeping.
The Minions are super loyal and will defend their boss unconditionally. Until a stronger one comes along, in which case they switch allegiance immediately.
A bit like a certain type of man that has come out in our country who seem unable to function unless they are idolizing some Mbinga or the other.
The Minion phenomenon sits large in places like the old Ximex Mall, at places like Harare’s Roadport, in politics, and at neighbourhood drinking holes.
How have we come to this?
We have all had some experience of this. Whether it is the group of young (and not so young) men cheering as a late model (and sometimes not-so late- model) car turns into the shopping centre. The collective jog to the car, and the near regal reception as the owner parks and sits in his car, talking on his phone while keeping the crowd waiting, is embarrassing.
The crowd, smiles fixed on their faces as they wait for their “Mbinga” to come out and bless them.
Imagine if these people had children and the children were watching this display of fawning in expectation of a few bottles of whatever brew the Mbinga decides to hand to them. They are not picky. They will gladly skip from the one with the Super name to the zvibhodhoro (spirits), while maximizing on the time available to get as drunk as possible while taking care not to offend the sponsor of these libations.
It is funny that men laugh at women who have “blessers” when men shamelessly pocket their own manhood for a few sips of alcohol, or in one gloriously ironic moment, a few hot dogs. The symbolism in that moment runs deep. A line of men waiting to receive a sausage. Anyway, moving along…
The Minions have turned a tidy profit with the 5 movies in their series so far generating over USD4 billion at the global box office, making them the highest grossing animated film franchise in history.
Our local minions make nothing of the sort. It makes no sense that adult males will congregate all day to talk about millionaire football stars while waiting for the one they idolise locally because he made a few successful deals to bless them with his presence.
Gentlemen need to stay at home, dig up a patch of soil, plant a few seedlings and start to seriously think about the future.
It is embarrassing to have to come home with a sprained ankle from chasing a Mbinga, or a bruised face from fighting to pick up some dollars thrown down by a prophet or some such Mbinga.
As we always say here, the people who created the Minions are rolling in dough, billions of it, while some are here being minions, rolling in the dust, for nothing.
The males of the species are clearly abdicating their roles here.
The latest preliminary census figures show there are more people in the rural areas than there are in urban centres. Lately, more and more people are moving onto the land to grow crops and rear animals for sale.
The street economists will say this over and over again: “There is always a market for food.”
Instead of spending days hiking into town to sing the praises of other men, it may make sense to swallow what little pride one has left and get onto the land to begin a project.
A former Ximex minion once said “If you want to see that the Mbinga is not interested in what your life can become, talk to them about how you want to start a project that will benefit you and your family. Immediately, they will drop you, or they will laugh at you and declare that your business is going to flop,” he said.
He has moved to his rural home in Seke where he is growing vegetables and bringing them to the market at Mbare. It is not a huge profit, but it is helping him see things differently.
“It is better for me to chase these few dollars that I am making and taking care of my family, than to run up and down the streets praising other people for no benefit.”
The minion that got away! The minion that Got Out (story for another day)
It takes an effort to escape from the clutches and allure of a Mbinga, so the stories go. The promise of fame, appearances in celebrity circles and the chance to get close to people you have only ever seen on Instagram or TikTok have emasculated a whole section of the population more effectively than any family planning programme could have ever hoped to do.
Men, you need to stop this! You stop it! Forthwith!
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